Old Self vs New Self

It's a tough position to be in. The "old me" an outgoing, crazy, energetic, (kinda) in your face person.   I'd be the first one to welcome a person or stick out my hand to say hello.  I was the do'er.  You need that done?  Sure, I'll do it!  I could plan parties and run committees and run a business and a household and still be sane at the end of the day.  Ok, who am I kidding, I've never truly been sane :)

When people ask me if it's nice to be back to my "old me", I pause.  I'm actually not. As much as I look like I am, and most of the time act like I am, so many things have changed.

The "new me" is cautious, apprehensive, more sensitive and careful.  The "new me" is also still giving and a do'er.  I'm aware that I don't go at the old speed but I really want to and  I'm ok with it, most of the time. Don't feel sorry for me though, just please have patience if you see me struggling with anxiety or words.

I've been encouraged to get out into the community and do things again.  As I was arriving at a small event one evening, I called Dwayne and cried. I sat in the parking lot filled with anxiety about walking into the building.  Turned out, I was late and when I walked in the speaker had already started. Kind of mixed blessings.  No visiting and small talk, something I'm not good at anymore.  I panicked and then my friend saw me and shuffled me to the back to a chair.  It was good.

Why the tears?  I have no clue.  I sat by myself and enjoyed the evening. 

So now, I'm taking on new things to learn. Expanding my neuro receptors. 

Painting. I didn't know I could paint! 

Bee keeping. I'm loving learning about bees and look forward to getting my own hives next spring. 

More knitting. Helping with BC Hop Co and BeerBQ.  And napping :)

Also, I'll do an update next week with some interesting health stuff going on. It's shit. Specialist appointment on Tuesday. 

Love love,

Di

xo

Results...

The news!

On Feb 25th I had an MRI, a usual follow-up.  Some of my instagram followers saw my before and after photos, complete with my facial flush from the Ativan.   I am very claustrophobic and really would love to be put out fully for the MRI but I'll take any drugs I can to help :)

On March 9th, I saw Dr Matishak (neurosurgeon) for my results. As we went through the slides of my brain one by one, with contrast and without.  We were pleasantly surprised.....my brain is practically PERFECT!!!

About 8 months ago, I had a small node that he was watching along with thickened scar tissue.  The nodule is GONE!  Like completely. There is still thickening scar tissue but that is to expected, as someone went in with a scalpel and a bone saw!  There's a shadow of the edema that was present and I'm not sure what that's about.  We were completely amazed!  Thanked the Dr and were told to see him in a year.  By the time we got to the elevator,  I was still in shock and Dwayne had tears in his eyes. Finally....we can breathe!!  Something we truly haven't been able to do since that fateful day in Aug 2013.

We called Sarah and told her,  Dwayne and she joked that while physically my brain may look fine, the level of crazy is still very high :)  My sister has confirmed that it's hereditary! (tied with a bow and handed down from our Mother)

Brain stuff is so difficult to deal with.  It's like a puzzle, and I seem to be missing some pieces!  My brain injury support group is very helpful in keeping me from spiralling into "I'm an idiot" "I should be able to do this" "Why can't I remember that_____(insert thing/person etc)"

These days I'm taking art therapy on Tuesdays where I'm learning to paint.  My Dad is an amazing painter, but it's not something I've ever learned. When I'm done my painting next week, maybe I'll share it.

Thank you for loving me, for loving us!!

xoxo

Neuro

I'm off to see my neuro surgeon this morning. I'm so lucky to have a great Dr who is caring and kind and doesn't rush through our visits. Yesterday wasn't a great day, headache all day, an almost 3hr nap knocked it down a bit but not totally. Dr M will send me for an MRI which is not my favourite thing but gives us a good view of what's going on. 

So, I've had my oatmeal and honey this morning to calm my nerves. I'm not great with this. Weird. 

Any extra calming thoughts, fairy dust, prayers would be welcome. Not for anything except that I'm nervous for neuro Dr stuff. 

xo Di

Word of the Year......

Last year was the first year I chose a word to help define my year.  Erika helped to encourage me to do this, she's done it for years.  From my last post of 2015, you maybe read that last year's word was Strength.  Having a word for a my year helped to remind me of the....purpose?  No, the direction?  No. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say.  It kept me on track with a constant reminder.  Just a little one :)

This year I have put quite a bit of thought into my word.  I've tried out lots of words.  Feeling them (sounds silly) to see if they'd fit my way of being, of direction, of need.   Our 2015 year has been better than 2014 and 2013 and I know that 2016 will be even better!  SOOOO, my word of the year is.....

Happiness and joy are so similar to many but to me are quite different in my need. Happiness may be more materialistic but joy can be felt in my heart.  I will endeavour to do things.  With or without my family and friends that I want to do, rather than waiting and do the things only they want to do. Self-care. I will speak up about what I want instead of wondering what the "right answer" is.  Instead of always putting myself last, I will ensure that JOY is in my heart.  Laughter. Kindness. Gentleness. 

This may sound super selfish, it's not meant to sound that way at all.  I have always put myself last, never spoken up with what I really want to do (outings, visits, time) and lately I realized I'm missing out on my own life. Giving to others allows me to expand myself but only if it brings me joy.  So from now on, only things that lift me up and truly bring me.....well, you know!

Let's encourage one another to be the best we can be in 2016!

With much love,

Di

xo

Goodbye 2015....

Why is it that I don't feel like it could possibly be 2016?  I still feel like I'm stuck in 2012 or even 2011!!

This year my word was Strength.  I tried to work it in to many aspects of my life.  Thoughts (the hardest). Physical. Relationships, you get the picture. I didn't "get" my word until well into January and was surprised at it's appearance.  My friend, Erika, has chosen a word for her year each year for many years and her encouragement was why I decided to go ahead and do this.  A positive, single word to help you define your year.

So, this year I started seeing a Naturopath to start getting my body stronger.  She and I are working on fixing so many things that have cropped up and fixing negative effects from meds I take for headaches and anxiety. Strength.

This year has been a year of growth for our family in many ways. Our Valley Hops and BC Hop Company have moved forward in huge ways!  BC Hop Fest took place on Oct 3rd (my 2-year brain-aversary) with only 8 weeks planning. A US delegation, many dignitaries, farm tours, 17 breweries and culinary vendors, over 500 tickets sold out, amazing bands and a waiting list for next year!!  Strength...to not cave daily under the pressure or cry when I couldn't remember what I was actually doing!

For Thanksgiving this year, we hosted my family for dinner, all 20 plus a few friends.  My first big dinner since my surgery! Table laid out. Turkey and ham cooked.  Pot luck items arriving. It was tiring and amazing to look around the table to see our family and a few friends and the sheer amount of love that poured into each dish.  Strength...to love those that we love, when all else has failed.

At Christmas, we hosted 2 dinners.  A 3-course plated company dinner for 16 people, lovingly prepared by moi! My amazing helpers who stepped up when they saw I was drowning, Jodi and Megan, know my limitations and Jodi also knows when to just step in and take charge.  She's the only one I will take direction from!  The second dinner was on the 28th of December and was Dwayne's family dinner.  It was a small group of us but gave us the space to visit.  Apparently I need to make lists of what I'm serving as I forgot the mashed potatoes and Dwayne had to remind me after the food had been passed around and completely forgot the homemade (amazing!!) baked beans, which we ate the next day! Strength...to not be angry at myself!

Today, I sit in the glow of the sun.  Our area still has a fair amount of snow on the ground.   It's glistening. It's beautiful.  I'm so proud of the Strength that I was able to dig up when I needed to this year.  The kids got me an adult colouring book for christmas, which I'm loving!  I think my word is figured out for next year.  It came to me the other day, but I didn't think it would be that easy, so I kept searching. I'll let you know about my word in January :)  I wonder if I chose "millions" to be my word that would just appear too!

Thank you for loving me, us, for this year again and still.  Happy New Year my sweet friends and amazing family!

With love,
Di  xoxo

New learning

I love learning new things!  I've always believed that if you're not growing, you're dying, so I try to continue to 'grow' even if slowly and in sometimes strange ways.

This past weekend I did something that I've wanted to do for quite a long time, I learned how to mushroom forage and identify. While this is strange to most people, it is amazing to me.  The forests around our world have prizes, like an easter egg hunt, for us to explore and find.

We arrived on Friday at Evans Lake Camp in Squamish and settled in to our cabin. On Saturday morning we met the rest of our group that made up 25 in total. We spent the morning doing class time (so thankful for handouts to refer to!!) and then we headed out for a gorgeous hike in the woods in the afternoon to collect Golden Chanterelles, Winter Chanterelles, Angels Wings and Elfin Saddles.  We learned so many great ID procedures and checked our books and programs for our others mushrooms we'd picked for those purposes.   On Sunday, we picked more Winter Chanterelles and pickled them to take home.

We were also fortunate enough to find an AMAZING Lobster Mushroom.  This is a crazy non-mushroom actually.  It starts as an inedible white mushroom called Russula Brevipes and then this mushroom is infected with a mold that turns it into an edible Lobster Mushroom.  It's got a slight lobster smell and flavour and when it's cut it looks like lobster meat.  Very cool!!  We also found numerous Matsutake Mushrooms (Pine Mushroom) on our way out of camp.

Needless to say, dinner last night was steak and mushrooms!! All sorts of great mushrooms, sauteed only with butter so that their flavours could be tasted fully. I LOVE MUSHROOMS!

I'm headed out today to our forest behind our home to see what I can find. I'm sure there are some great prizes. Now I know how to do some ID and what could be deadly or inedible, I'll be sure to be careful.

My friend and I sure had a great time!  Our adventures are going to continue!

Love to all!
Di
xo

What a crazy 8 weeks....2 year brain-aversary

On Aug 3rd 2015, Dwayne breezed into the family room and casually asked "what about a beer festival celebrating wet hopped beer?".  I starred at him.  Computing.  Thinking.  Then with enthusiasm answered with "why not!".  Well, you don't know what you don't know!!

We'd never been to a beer festival, ever. Never been to a festival that included going booth to booth like this (except for a farmers market).  We got ahold of Donna Dixson, who as it turned out would be our fairy godmother, and the 3 of us embarked on what would be less than 60 days of planning.  We thought we had it all under control and were totally confident....until we attended the GCBF in Victoria on Sept 11.  We had NO idea!  We snuck 'back stage', questioned volunteers, asked security, took copious pictures and realized, we hadn't really scratched the surface. GAH!   With less than a month to go, I began to panic internally.

We had amazing sponsors, vendors and support for our very first year.  Ticket sales were lagging, we thought but we were told to be patient. Volunteers were pouring in with friends offering help and strangers coming forward. I was thrilled.

Donna, Dwayne and I met constantly to ensure we were covering everything.  The Province did a story with BC Hop Company on the cover (THE COVER!!) on Sept 7th, which helped start a month of free media. CFOX picked that up and came out for an interview.  Donna was amazing with media releases and we were everywhere!

Fast forward to Oct 3rd, the day of the event.  It was a beautiful day on the farm.  Windy but sunny.  I was so great.  WE WERE SOLD OUT!!!   Brewers were thrilled with the event, patrons loved it, food trucks sold out, bands were great.  Can't wait for next year!

Now, a week later, I'm sleeping constantly.  I loved being needed, engaged and useful. I've never been so tired after a project though. Dwayne is away this week and I'm secretly thankful as I can nap whenever I need to and sleep until later in the morning :)  The project was an amazing thing for me to witness from a place of awareness (does that make sense?). I was very aware of the fits of anger or tears that overcame me when I least expected them. I knew when I needed to put the computer down and go lay down.  It was like seeing myself from outside of my own body on occasion.

Okay now I'm not even making sense to me.  Clearly I need to put the computer down.....

Thank you to everyone for your support, love, notes and reminders of self care.  Oct 3rd (event day) was my 2 year brain-aversary, we celebrated BIG!

With Love,
Di
xo