Old Self vs New Self

It's a tough position to be in. The "old me" an outgoing, crazy, energetic, (kinda) in your face person.   I'd be the first one to welcome a person or stick out my hand to say hello.  I was the do'er.  You need that done?  Sure, I'll do it!  I could plan parties and run committees and run a business and a household and still be sane at the end of the day.  Ok, who am I kidding, I've never truly been sane :)

When people ask me if it's nice to be back to my "old me", I pause.  I'm actually not. As much as I look like I am, and most of the time act like I am, so many things have changed.

The "new me" is cautious, apprehensive, more sensitive and careful.  The "new me" is also still giving and a do'er.  I'm aware that I don't go at the old speed but I really want to and  I'm ok with it, most of the time. Don't feel sorry for me though, just please have patience if you see me struggling with anxiety or words.

I've been encouraged to get out into the community and do things again.  As I was arriving at a small event one evening, I called Dwayne and cried. I sat in the parking lot filled with anxiety about walking into the building.  Turned out, I was late and when I walked in the speaker had already started. Kind of mixed blessings.  No visiting and small talk, something I'm not good at anymore.  I panicked and then my friend saw me and shuffled me to the back to a chair.  It was good.

Why the tears?  I have no clue.  I sat by myself and enjoyed the evening. 

So now, I'm taking on new things to learn. Expanding my neuro receptors. 

Painting. I didn't know I could paint! 

Bee keeping. I'm loving learning about bees and look forward to getting my own hives next spring. 

More knitting. Helping with BC Hop Co and BeerBQ.  And napping :)

Also, I'll do an update next week with some interesting health stuff going on. It's shit. Specialist appointment on Tuesday. 

Love love,

Di

xo