Old Self vs New Self

It's a tough position to be in. The "old me" an outgoing, crazy, energetic, (kinda) in your face person.   I'd be the first one to welcome a person or stick out my hand to say hello.  I was the do'er.  You need that done?  Sure, I'll do it!  I could plan parties and run committees and run a business and a household and still be sane at the end of the day.  Ok, who am I kidding, I've never truly been sane :)

When people ask me if it's nice to be back to my "old me", I pause.  I'm actually not. As much as I look like I am, and most of the time act like I am, so many things have changed.

The "new me" is cautious, apprehensive, more sensitive and careful.  The "new me" is also still giving and a do'er.  I'm aware that I don't go at the old speed but I really want to and  I'm ok with it, most of the time. Don't feel sorry for me though, just please have patience if you see me struggling with anxiety or words.

I've been encouraged to get out into the community and do things again.  As I was arriving at a small event one evening, I called Dwayne and cried. I sat in the parking lot filled with anxiety about walking into the building.  Turned out, I was late and when I walked in the speaker had already started. Kind of mixed blessings.  No visiting and small talk, something I'm not good at anymore.  I panicked and then my friend saw me and shuffled me to the back to a chair.  It was good.

Why the tears?  I have no clue.  I sat by myself and enjoyed the evening. 

So now, I'm taking on new things to learn. Expanding my neuro receptors. 

Painting. I didn't know I could paint! 

Bee keeping. I'm loving learning about bees and look forward to getting my own hives next spring. 

More knitting. Helping with BC Hop Co and BeerBQ.  And napping :)

Also, I'll do an update next week with some interesting health stuff going on. It's shit. Specialist appointment on Tuesday. 

Love love,

Di

xo

Results...

The news!

On Feb 25th I had an MRI, a usual follow-up.  Some of my instagram followers saw my before and after photos, complete with my facial flush from the Ativan.   I am very claustrophobic and really would love to be put out fully for the MRI but I'll take any drugs I can to help :)

On March 9th, I saw Dr Matishak (neurosurgeon) for my results. As we went through the slides of my brain one by one, with contrast and without.  We were pleasantly surprised.....my brain is practically PERFECT!!!

About 8 months ago, I had a small node that he was watching along with thickened scar tissue.  The nodule is GONE!  Like completely. There is still thickening scar tissue but that is to expected, as someone went in with a scalpel and a bone saw!  There's a shadow of the edema that was present and I'm not sure what that's about.  We were completely amazed!  Thanked the Dr and were told to see him in a year.  By the time we got to the elevator,  I was still in shock and Dwayne had tears in his eyes. Finally....we can breathe!!  Something we truly haven't been able to do since that fateful day in Aug 2013.

We called Sarah and told her,  Dwayne and she joked that while physically my brain may look fine, the level of crazy is still very high :)  My sister has confirmed that it's hereditary! (tied with a bow and handed down from our Mother)

Brain stuff is so difficult to deal with.  It's like a puzzle, and I seem to be missing some pieces!  My brain injury support group is very helpful in keeping me from spiralling into "I'm an idiot" "I should be able to do this" "Why can't I remember that_____(insert thing/person etc)"

These days I'm taking art therapy on Tuesdays where I'm learning to paint.  My Dad is an amazing painter, but it's not something I've ever learned. When I'm done my painting next week, maybe I'll share it.

Thank you for loving me, for loving us!!

xoxo