So long May

The beginning of May (actually the end of April, my birthday) marks the "trifecta of doom" as Dwayne calls it. He has my birthday, Mother's Day and our anniversary in a 1 month period. This year was quiet as celebrating went. My birthday celebration on May 2nd  was a mini-burning woman celebration complete with a couple of tutus and head dresses for those that would wear them. A big Bonfire,  some good food and great friends! A truly low key evening with only 10 in total. Missed quite a few dear friends but they were with me in my heart :)

Mother's Day was crazy with my whole family at our home, pot luck style and splashing in the pool. It's great to look out and see the mayhem, but be able to wander away when I need to have a brain break. So lovely to celebrate the Mama's in our family!

Our anniversary, on May 23rd was our 23rd this year.  We went to a nice little restaurant in North Van and then to a local production of HMS Pinafore (a musical). Bless Dwaynes heart, he nearly fell asleep but he definitely took one for the team and did something he knew I'd love! 

May has seen our family solidify a bit more and find our strength. The sunny weather is welcome here always!

The pool is open, bring your towels and come on by!!!

Love,

Diane 

xo

"Blog like no one is reading"

I loved this title left in a comment left by my sweet cousin Sally, from England.  So, from here on in, I will write this way.  Some good, some bad and some down right ugly. Good times!  Thank you Sally (and others) for encouraging me to voice my thoughts in such a way <3

Brain Group:  Yes there is such a thing!  We are a group of people who all have brain injuries who get together once a month and discuss how we are working towards our new normal (don't get me really started on that word!!). How to cope with my new limitations is my biggest kryponite... I should, I used to, I'm stupid, what an idiot. All things that are or have been part of my vocabulary or thought patterns.  Brain group, run by Fraser Valley Brain Injury Assoc, has taught me that while all of those things I used to do may not be in my wheel house any more, I have other things that I'm good at and I get to focus more on those.  It's taken a long while to come "out of the woods" and see the forest behind me.  

Reading is an issue.  I haven't read a book since my surgery.  While I wasn't an avid reader before, I certainly read.  I love Jodi Picoult books....LOVE THEM!  I've been working on the book Wild now for a month and I'm on page 15. gah!!! I can't focus on the words, they float everywhere and make zero sense to me.  Does that sound dumb?  Sure does to me!!  So far, great book though :)

I still can't do much gardening without days of headaches but I love gardening, I really love it!  It's the upside down thing, headaches like you wouldn't even believe.   So I just know that I have to have a couple of quiet days after gardening days.  Seems odd to the 'old' me but it's the way it is.  That being said, I plowed through (pun intended) my gardening this weekend with Cam's help and got the majority of it done.  Now I rest!

I had a lovely Mother's Day too!  Cam bought me some treats and Sarah sent me a beautiful video where she sang for me.  I had ugly tears!  Then our whole family (minus Sarah) arrived to celebrate the Moms in our family around the pool and on our deck.  Dwayne, Jarrod and Stu did the cooking which was lovely.

Happy Mother's Day 2015!
Love Diane
xo

Words...otherwise known as "S?!t mom says"

While funny some of time, it's weird. The words come out of my mouth and I know they're wrong. The food isn't in the washer. There isn't a unicycle on the road. No, it's not chicken porn. Embarrassing. I don't need to be reminded about those, as soon as they come out (and I hear them) I know they are wrong, I just didn't know it in my mind. I hear things wrong and then I say things wrong and at the wrong times. 

I find myself becoming quieter and more withdrawn. The ones I love have become more critical and I will use those words against me in the worst ways. 'Friends' can be walked away from but family is with us daily.  It's hard to comprehend. 

I know that things are different and I know I don't do well in crowds but how do I make others understand that? Those who don't see me often? 

My knitting does not criticize me :) I'm currently working on a blanket for Cam and that is lovely. I am also using time daily to search out grants for our company and work on them.  Gives me some brain work, and that's good!! Sunny days are amazing too. Outside in the gardens and getting veggies going. Hands in dirt, love it!!!! Must go outside and fertilize the garlic :)

Love 

Diane 

I'm back...the great debate

Yes, it's been a debate. To blog or not to blog. Is it a judgement platform, an information system or way for me to get my thoughts out? I'm hoping it's the last two things but my fear that blogging includes judgement. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's that my thoughts and writing are not what they used to be, they run away, are jumbled, spiral out of control, more emotional and words are not always properly used. Thank goodness for spell check!! Please excuse the oddness of my posts. 

March was brain injury awareness month. I did quite a bit of self evaluation. How am I? Do I measure up? Who cares!! I'm doing the best I can. Ok ok, I actually care, I really do. I'm pleased with where I am compared to a year ago (oh ya, I'm at 18months post surgery!!). I still get exhausted after busy days. Easter weekend has wiped me out so it'll take me a couple of days to recover, but I'm better at being gentle with myself. Sarah is good at reminding me to drink loads of water and drinking my dark green juice. 

Dwayne is amazing at reminding me to nap. 

On the outside I look 'normal' (whatever that is, don't get me started). It's hard that the inside doesn't measure up. I used to host dinners and have friends over all the time. Now, the thought of doing that regularly, scares me. I'm sad, because I miss it, a lot. So now, when people ask me how I am, I simply say "today is a good day" or "it's been a good week". I don't want to go into it. And I could just stay home and knit all by myself all day :)

Ok, that was a rant, or something!! 

This picture is from March 31 on the way to the Brain injury awareness meetup 

Love 

Diane

Xoxo

Catching up

I have back dated many new posts (and many more in the next few days).  This is a journey for me and also for you to witness.  For months I haven't updated my blog.  I will be honest....

I'm embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed that I don't write like I used to.  That my mind isn't working like it did.  I get frustrated, worried, sad, disappointed and most of all, embarrassed.  While I get that this is my journey back to health, I wonder whether people think I should be further ahead than I am. Yes, I still worry about what people think (less than I used to though!).

My processing isn't up to what it was and my 'funny bone' isn't quite re-installed yet.  Ok, that was a little bit funny...or was it?

I've been writing but not publishing, hoping that I could go back and polish up each post.  It wouldn't truly reflect how far I've come if I do that.  Robynn, was the one to point out that showing my progress to others and especially myself, would be a good reason to continue.  I've been procrastinating because of fear.

Be kind ;)

xo

D

Emergency visit

Emergency visit ~ makes it sound like a fun and expected adventure.  It wasn't!  I've been feeling sick lately, run down.  I suppose to be expected.  The kids have commented that my breathing is very shallow and fast.  I'd been awake for the night in so much pain. Moaning and worried but not wanting to be perceived as a wimp.

On the morning of Oct 31st, I made an appointment at my doctor.  He was out of town but the locum fit me in.  She sent me for chest x-ray, blood work (including cultures) and whatnot. It would be days before she'd get the results.  Sarah shuttled me around and helped me in and out complete with my walker. 

My brother came over in the afternoon so his daughter, my beautiful niece, could show her halloween costume off.  Being a ALS paramedic, he took one look at me and told me I could go willingly or the hard way, to the hospital.  He hadn't seen me in a while and could see the down hill slide.  He made a call and the chariots were sent.  

Cam was at one of his football games when he received a concerned call from a neighbor wondered what had happened.  Cam had no idea and spent the rest of the game worried.

My mom and Carlie met me at the hospital, along with Dwayne and Cam.  Sarah quickly followed after work was cancelled.  Pete set to work with the docs and nurses getting me into a bed and checked in.  Because I had gone to a clinic for my x-rays and bloodwork, I had to re-do the entire thing.  They added a CT scan to check for swelling and then waited.  I was given numerous bags of fluid as well as pain meds.  

Turned out I had bronchitis, the flu, a cold and all of this helped create severe dehydration.  Jeepers!!

I was released late (with antibiotics and a puffer) and sent home to recover.  If I'd left the hospital initially at 20% capacity, I was now at about 5% (dwayne's terminology).  The 'dig out' is taking a while.  I need to learn to rest.  Kristin tells me it's mandatory that I look after myself.  So difficult to accept.  

Staples out!

Staples are out....all 42 of them!  Thanks Daniella for driving me, holding me up while walking and holding my hair out of the way for their removal.  My incision is over 9" long but is nice and clean and healing well.  The sensation in my scalp is weird as nerves go from the front up and over your (and mine) head.  Mine were cut (lots of them!).  Also, my temporal muscle was cut, making eating, talking and general jaw movement painful.  It'll heal but it'll be slow.